Accepting What is & Healing

As the fall started up and the kids went back to school, I was very much looking forward to getting my health back on track and focusing on me. My lower back was still uncomfortable and I could not sit at my desk to coach, but I was getting better. The meds were doing their job, I was getting lots of therapy and every day I was walking and doing pilates to strengthen, stretch and heal my cells. To describe it, it felt like the fascia on the right side of my body was all tightened up, my scalp, neck and jaw included. Throughout this whole process, everytime I move my head there would be crunching and popping in my ear, occipital bones and scalp. It felt like that candy we used to eat as kids in the 80s called Pop Rocks. Remember how it would snap, crackle and pop in your mouth? That is what it felt like in my head. It felt like a release and I was told it was the joints and bones were mobilizing back into place after being inflamed and stuck for months.

All along this process my naturopath, Jessica, kept saying that all of this could very well be a build up of years and years of tension that just came to a head and could therefore take a long time to heal. Recently in reading the book The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Mate, there was a line that really resonated with me. He wrote that “illness happens the same way Hemmingway says we go bankrupt, “gradually then all of a sudden””. This really resonated with me and I started to think this could be exactly what had happened to me. Decades of tension, anxiety and stress that all came to a head due to covid, an infection, a ton of stress and the vaccine.

During this process, I was very open to all suggestions that were coming my way. One of the fun wellness gadgets I discovered during this process is called the Sensate. It is a small device you place on your sternum that stimulates the vagus nerve toning it so your body can better respond to stress. Since it arrived, it has become a daily routine for me, and my husband is now hooked on it too. Since I started using it, I have been sleeping like a baby and noticed that in my acupuncture appointments I was melting onto the table and almost falling asleep. The Sensate also increases your heart rate variability (HRV) which is what has been helping me to settle my body so much easier these days. It is my new favourite gadget and I can see myself using this for years to come!

It was at a Sept acupuncture session when Jessica said to me “it seems as though your body is now in a healing state”. I think what she meant was that my mind had finally decided it was time to let go and accept what is and the muscles were starting to let go. Slowly….very slowly, like at a snail pace, back to their original place.

Most of September was focused on healing and included a new therapy from my coach in Costa Rica, Kristen. I reached out to her to do some process work as I knew I had lots of trapped emotion that needed to be released. She told me she was doing a new therapy and asked if I would be open to having her try it out on me. She was still mid-course, but I quickly agreed knowing Kristen really well and that she truly wanted the best for me. So Kristen introduced me to the amazing world of Somatic Experiencing. "Somatic Experiencing (SE™) aims to resolve symptoms of stress, shock, and trauma that accumulate in our bodies. When we are stuck in patterns of fight, flight, or freeze, SE helps us release, recover, and become more resilient."

We ended up doing two sessions that were absolutely life changing. In the first session, we worked on a spot on my neck that held so much fear and tension. After describing it to her and giving my focus to it, I all of a sudden started to sob uncontrollably. I am not sure how long it lasted, but it felt like 30 minutes or so. I bawled and bawled and snotted all over my face. It was not pretty. At the time, I didn't even know what I was crying about. I remember the tears starting to slow down and then they bubbled up again and became uncontrollable once again. By the time we were done with the session I was absolutely exhausted, so much so, I had to cancel my next coaching session with my client as my body and mind were in a daze. A few hours later when my husband came home from work, I cuddled up beside him in the front hall and tenderly kissed his neck. We hadn’t touched each other like that all year as up until that point, I did not want anyone coming near my body. It was at that moment I realized something massive in me had shifted. I felt softer……calmer, more balanced. My nervous system was finally easing. Her work was pure magic.

One of the things people don’t talk about around sickness or pain is how intimacy often drops to zero. All year I did not want anyone touching me, coming near me and the thought of any sort of intimacy did not even cross my mind. The unfortunate part is that this touch would almost certainly have helped with my healing, but I was denying myself of it.

In my second somatic experiencing session, it was totally different, yet equally as beneficial. I did not cry, but my right arm bounced and shook in an outwardly motion for about 20-30 mins non-stop. I felt like a butterfly uncurling from its cocoon. The most amazing thing was when I went to my osteopath, Amanda, the next day, I told her about my recent somatic work and when she checked my shoulder and arm movement, she could not believe how much the fascia had been released and how my arm and shoulder movement had dramatically increased! Team work!

At the end of October, I finally had my dermatologist appointment and was told that the spot on my nose was indeed basal cell carcinoma and needed to come out. Three days later a plastic surgeon took it out and put in 4 stitches. It stung, but I was glad to have those cells out of my body. When the lab reports came back I was told that they were pre-cancerous cells, but my dermatologist did not love the lab results and has since prescribed a chemotherapy cream to ensure we kill any bad cells that could be lurking under the surface. The crazy thing about this whole cancer-on-the-nose situation is that I felt at ease and accepted the news easily as there was a diagnosis and a plan! Compared to what I had been through, this felt manageable to me.

In November I decided to go back to my massage therapist, Adam, to help with the fascia tightness on my entire right side and while I was there I was explaining how my osteopath had discovered some tightness in my C-section scar and had given me homework of cupping the scar at home. When I touched my C-section scar, the right side was super tight. I could feel it all the way through to my right lower back. There was definitely some deep pulling happening in that area. Adam told me his wife, who is a pilates trainer, also does scar release work. My intuition told me to follow this lead and 2-3 weeks later I had my first C-section scar release session with Je-An.

Immediately after our first session, my posture had changed! I stood so much taller and I could feel my shoulders rolling back and my spine was so much happier in alignment. Who knew scar release work could have such a huge impact on posture? I saw Je-An again as the impact of the work she did became my new normal and there was clearly more scar tissue to work through. After my second session, I stood even taller again! All that pilates core work I had been doing daily was now doing its job because it could! No more fascia holding it back. As my first child is now 14, this was a 14 year old scar and years of fascia tightening that was correcting itself. It felt amazing! I felt amazing! When I saw my osteopath again, she was in awe at what the scar release work had done. She was now able to get really deep into my pelvic region and do some visceral manipulation she could not access before. She also discovered that the tight fascia in my pelvic region was connected all the way up to my jaw!! This was a major breakthrough! Like WOW! Had my C-section from 14 years ago slowly been curling the right side of my body inwards creating tension up and down my body?? I may never know for sure, but I do know our instincts are usually right.